Preventing Family Headaches

Using The Three “R’s” (Rules, Rituals, and Rewards) In Parenting
by Andy Eig PhD.
Clinical Psychologist


Since my last article, you all have become experts in giving time-outs. For some of you, it has worked out wonderfully – for others, well, not so much. You have been doling time-outs so frequently that you feel more like a hockey referee giving penalties than a parent. So, let us discuss how to prevent time-outs and cranky behavior in your 3 to 5 year old.

Before we go any further, I want to throw out a word of caution. We are not out to sculpt perfectly behaved children. All children need time be grumpy, defiant, and even unruly at times. Challenging parents and sticking up for themselves builds strength of character in your children. That being said, all children need sensible rules and limits in order to feel safe and to grow into productive members of society. They also need to feel a sense of empowerment and enjoyment when they are behaving well. In order to keep the parental headaches of nasty disruptive children away, we need to use the three “R’s” of parenting: rules, rituals and rewards.

Rules: We all need rules. You and I need rules and so do your kids. Exactly what the rules are in each household will depend on the parents own values. As a guideline, you want family rules to help keep children safe and to help them know, understand and follow the conventions of society. Rules in the household need to be sensible and clear to your three to five year old. Perhaps more important than what the actual rules are, each parent must agree on them and enforce them consistently. I call this the united front of parenthood.

Rituals: Kids do well with a structured day. They need to have daily rituals and know what is going to happen next. For instance, kids need to have a wake up time, stimulating play time, a bed time, bath time, meal and snack time. Most days this should follow the same predictable progression.

Rewards: How do you get your kids to follow the rewards and rituals I just have talked about? Take one guess. Rewards. Most kids (if not all) listen and behave better when positively motivated. Most of the current child behavioral research concurs that kids feel much better about themselves earning rewards rather than avoiding punishments. Set up a reward system for your child if they are having difficulty following the guidelines of the day. One great way is to have a reward chart that your child helps design. For each task of the day, your child gets a sticker or a very small reward if he or she does it well. Brushing teeth gets a sticker. Going to sleep and not coming out of your room once “Good Night” is said deserves another sticker. At the end of the week, your child can get a small toy if they earn enough stickers. E-beanstalk has so many inexpensive developmentally appropriate toys to choose from that you and your child can order on line.

By using rules, rituals, and rewards, your family can have more time to enjoy each other. Try it out. Using rewards rather than punishments will go a long way in motivating your child and building positive self-esteem.

It's Never Too Early to Work on Your Ball Game

Deanie Barth, MSPT

Physical Therapist

When working with young children, a question commonly asked by parents is when their child should be able to catch and throw a ball. After the phenomenal catch made by David Tyree in this past Super Bowl, this has become an even more popular question with parents eager to groom their children early. The development of ball skills start very early in life. A child does not simply wake up one day with the ability to accurately catch and throw and kick a ball, it is a learning process just like any other acquired skill. Catching and throwing a ball not only requires the ability to manipulate an object, but it also requires adequate trunk stability and postural control. Kicking a ball requires a certain degree of balance and coordination. There are so many different ways a parent can play with their child to help facilitate these very important building blocks.

Picking up a ball, catching a ball and throwing a ball requires the ability to manipulate an object and the process begins in the first year when a child starts to gain control of his hands. At about 2 months, holding an object becomes more intentional rather than reflexive. By 3 months a child will begin reaching for objects, rotating them and bringing them to the mouth. Some excellent toys for this stage are The Tizoo and The Taggies Soft Blocks. Between 4-5 months, a child will begin holding an object, such as a bottle, with two hands. I recommend the Taggies Nest and Stack Blocks and the Whoozit Icicle Toy. By 6 months an infant is able to transfer an object from one hand to the other. By the time your child has reached 9-10 months, he is able to manipulate objects in a coordinated fashion to complete a desired task such as opening and closing boxes and taking objects in and out of them. A few toys that will help achieve these milestones are The Stacking Toy and Ball Game, Fishbowl Fill and Spill, The Hungry Pelican, Big Top Sounds and ABC Building Blocks.

Between the ages of 1-3, more active ball skills develop. By 1 year, a child should be able to stop a ball that is rolled to him while he is sitting and very shortly after, he should be able to roll it back. A great ball for this is the Nobbie Gertie Ball which has small bumps on it to make catching much easier. As your child starts walking, he will become more interested in attempting to throw, kick and catch balls. Between 1 ½ to 2 years of age, your child will be able to throw a ball (not necessarily accurately) and kick a ball a few feet. To do this, he must be able to use his trunk to assist with throwing as well as using it to stabilize to maintain his balance after a throw is complete. This requires adequate trunk strength and postural control. To kick a ball, a child must be able to sustain single leg stance for brief periods of time. A ride on toy is an excellent way to build trunk strength and because mounting a ride on toy requires brief moments in single leg stance while holding onto an unstable object, it will also help enhance balance. The Trike ‘N Trailer is especially recommended because not only will your child be able to ride the trike, but he’ll have a trailer that will carry balls as well.

Around the age of 2, your child should be able to catch a large ball with both arms, often using their trunk to trap it against. Throwing becomes more accurate and balls travel farther distances and in a straighter line when kicked. The Basketball Hoop is the perfect toy to begin working on throwing accuracy and coordination. Between the ages of 3-4, your child should be able to throw a small ball with one hand for distances of about 10 feet and will also be able to catch a small ball. Fun Gripper Balls are a good choice for smaller balls because the easier grip helps improve accuracy which reduces frustration and makes playing more enjoyable. The Jungle Bean Bag Toss is a sure bet to improve aim and encourage throwing with one arm and will keep them entertained for long periods of time.

After the age of 4, your child is ready for the big leagues and more sport specific toys are recommended based on their preferences. Please remember that the timeframes given are guidelines with degrees of variability. As with any hobby, different children have different interests and ability will reflect this. Be sure to make play enjoyable and structure it so that your child does not become frustrated and lose interest. With practice, motivation and the right toys, perhaps it will be your child catching that victory touchdown, pitching a perfect game or scoring the winning goal in the not so distant future!